Come One, Come All
by RyansKid
Summary: If life isn't just a joke, why am I laughing? I forgot the disclaimer. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING TO DO WITH BATMAN.
1. Chapter 1

"So, uh, Doctor…where exactly do you want me to start?"

Here I am again, about to do something I had done to three other psychiatrists. It's to bad though. This one is kind of cute.

"Well why don't you start with your name and we'll go from there."

"Oh ok. My name is David Dove."

"Dove? Like the bird? That's an interesting name."

You're telling me. I think that's part of the reason he's kept me around so long. He finds what I do in relation to my last name hilarious.

"Yeah I know. Everyone calls me Ace though."

"Alright then…Ace. When you called me you said you knew something about the Joker. You told me you knew his name. You have to understand that I will be taking everything you say to me with a certain degree of skepticism. No one has ever come forward with any information about Joker."

"I know Doctor Quinzel. I have to say I was a little skeptical myself when I saw Jack on the news. But there's no mistaking that laugh of his."

A little chuckle here, a shake of the head there. Keep it up Ace and pretty soon you'll have her eating out of your hand. You already peaked her interest by dropping his first name.

"Jack you said? Did you know the Joker before his…well before whatever mental illness he has set in?"

Just like all the other shrinks. Nobody knows what's wrong with him. Shit I've been with him for ten years now and I don't know what in the name of God is wrong with Jack.

"Uh, yeah. Jack Napier."

Go on Doctor Quinzel, scribble down all those notes, like the tape recorder isn't enough. None of that will matter by the end of the night.

"How exactly do you know the Joker…I mean Jack…or Mr. Napier?"

"Oh God it was years ago. I was working with a carnival that was traveling all over the western half of this big beautiful country of ours. Have you ever been out west Doctor?"

"No Mr. Dove I…"

"It's Ace Doctor. Well anyway…I think we picked Jack up in Utah. I don't think that's where he was from originally, but he said he would do anything and everything as long as we took him, his girlfriend Alicia, and his little brother Jonny with us."

"Did you notice anything unusual about Mr. Napier at the time?"

"Unusual? No. Jack was a hard worker, loved his girl and little brother, and was a damn laugh riot."

"What exactly did Mr. Napier do to earn his keep?"

"Well he did all kinds of things. He is a very charismatic individual so sometimes management had him be a barker for the sideshow, you 'Come one, come all and see the amazing Lobster Boy; and stuff like that. Some times we had him tell jokes between acts under the big top, but most of the time we had him do his little knife show."

"Knife show?"

"Yeah. Jack could throw a knife better than anyone I've ever seen. He used to have his girl get tied to a big bulls eye and would toss knives at her, sometimes without even looking."

"So he was never a clown?"

"Clown? No of course not."

What's wrong Doctor? Is my story poking all kinds of holes into your diagnosis? I'm sure that's why you have that pissy look on your face. But it's not my fault you're wrong.

"Do you have any information on why Mr. Napier might have ended up the way he is Ace? Any information about that at all?"

"Oh of course I do. I know exactly what happened actually."

Do I have any information at all? What a bitch. The other psychiatrists had been ready to send me packing after the information I just gave her.

"Please then Ace…tell me."

"Well we were in Texas. A little town called Iris. The first two nights we had been open had gone well. But there was a faction in the town that didn't trust us, sounds absurd I know this being the twenty-first century and all but whatever. They were led by a preacher named Stahl. I guess his daughter's curiosity got the best of her and the last night we were in town she came out to the site. There was a part in Jack's show where he would take a member of the audience and throw knives at them. Well some little shit in the crowd thought it would be funny to flash a laser pointer in Jack's eyes right before he threw."

"Did the girl die?"

"No. I told you…Jack was the best. But the knife cut the girl's face pretty bad. There was a huge uproar. The townspeople took her back to her dad who immediately called for Jack's blood. I managed to hide Jack in time. But his girl Alicia and his little brother were in town buying groceries. Stahl and his boys got them, and when Jack found out he took his knives and went after them."

"Do you know what happened?"

Oh Doctor Quinzel…I knew you would end up like this. Hanging on my every little word.

"Not exactly, but I've pieced it together as best I could. Jack was no match for Stahl's numbers. That preacher took Jack, Alicia, and Jonny out into the desert that night. You know it's amazing what a so called man of God can do."

"What happened?"

"Stahl made Jack watch as Alicia and Jonny were raped. We found the bodies the next morning. Stahl had tarred and feathered that poor girl and little boy. Old time justice. I can't imagine the pain they must have gone through."

"Did Jack say anything? Anything at all?"

"He only said one thing to me. When I got him back to my trailer and was looking him over I saw that they had cut the sides of his mouth open, almost all the way up his ears. I asked what at happened and all he said was 'They…made…me…laugh.' I left for just a few minutes to get some bandages and when I came back he was gone. He had taken my straight razor and run off."

"That's it? That's all you know? Where did he go?"

"I don't know. I figured he had run off to cut his wrists. God knows I might have done the same thing. But the next time we swung through Iris we heard that Stahl and anyone involved with the murder of Jack's girl and brother had been murdered."

"Did Jack do it?"

"I don't know. I suppose. But anyway I thought he was dead until I saw his trial on the television."

I did it. I knew I would, but the sense of accomplishment never gets old. He's going to be really happy to see me. Doctor Quinzel…it's been nice knowing you.

"Uh Doctor, do you think I could see him?"

"What? I don't know about that. I mean the Joker is very dangerous and usually we don't go down there without four or five guards."

"Please Doctor…I just want to see him. He was my friend. If I see him I'm sure it will help."

You're going to say yes. You shrinks are all the same. You'll do anything in order to manufacture a breakthrough. I'll just get my bad ready.

"Alright I suppose it would be fine. Only for a few minutes though."

"After you Doctor Quinzel."

Just walking through this dump I can tell what kind of crazies are kept here. There very worst kind of. Those special few that are so far beyond help it isn't even worth the effort. Sort of makes you question the sanity of the staff. Arkham Asylum…what a depressing place to be.

"Here we are Ace. Now as you can see he isn't strapped down or anything. He's been behaving very well recently. We even let him have some books. He's been reading a lot about chemistry lately, I'm not sure why."

Go on and laugh to yourself, you have no idea what's coming. I can feel the handle of the gun under my shirt. Where should I shoot her? The head? No, she was a bitch earlier, I'll shoot her in the kidneys and let her suffer. Two quiet little clicks, followed by a gasp and the clang of shell casings hitting the floor. She's not dead…yet. Good thing she left the keys in the door.

"Mr. J? Jack are you in there? It's Ace. I got your letter. What kind of idiots would let you write letters?"

"DON'T COME IN HERE GOD DAMNIT! NOT UNTIL I HAVE MY FACE ON!"

"Sorry Mr. J."

I can't believe I forgot how sensitive he is about his face. He shouldn't be very long. I'll just slide him the bag and he'll be out in no time.

"Thank you Ace."

"No problem Mr. J. Sorry again."

"Is that Doctor Quinzel there on the ground?"

"Yes sir."

"That's to bad. I was thinking about asking her along, she kind of likes me I think. And if you shorten her name it's Harley Quinn. You know Ace, like Harlequin. Get it?"

There's that laugh I've been missing. Most people would think me crazy for saying that, but when you've been working for someone for ten years you grow attached. I missed Jack.

"So which story did you tell them this time Ace?"

He's a little thinner than normal. But if I had spent a year in here I would be a little thinner too.

"I told them the real one Jack."

"Oh…which one is that again?"

"The one with the carnival and the preacher. That one that you told me was what actually happened. That did actually happen didn't it Jack?"

I hate it when he gives me the kind of looks he's giving me now. Just a little smirk, a twinkle of his eye. It's like he knows the answer but doesn't want to tell me. It's the kind of look he gives people when they ask if they are going to die.

"Jack?"

"Oh I don't know Ace…I have so many different versions of events. It really depends on what day you ask."

Even I can't help but chuckle. That's another reason I think he keeps me around. I actually laugh at his jokes.

"So what's the plan Mr. J? Are we skipping town tonight, tomorrow, or what?"

"Oh no, no, no Ace. This town is special. There are oh so many interesting people I want you to meet. Make some calls, bring in some guys from out of town. I've made to many enemies to recruit here in Gotham."

"What are we going to do here Mr. J?"

"Don't worry Ace. I have plan. You're going to love it."

There's that cackle again. I better go clear the way of guards. Jack can get distracted when he thinks deeply. Doesn't pay close enough attention. I need to kill some people. Then I need to make those phone calls.


	2. Chapter 2

It's almost too easy. It is too easy. What are you forgetting Ace? It really shouldn't be this easy to break Mr. J out. It's like this city is expecting someone guy in a cape to show up and fix all of their problems. How silly is that huh? Of course you used to think a guy running around in a purple suit with his face painted up like a clown was silly to.

I can still remember the first job I ever pulled with Joker. I was still with the CIA back then. I loved those oh so wonderful days hiding out in Seoul, South Korea. I can still remember the day we got word from Langley that they were sending some kind of specialist. They hadn't given us many details, just that we were going to be smuggled across the DMZ into Pyongyang and that we were to listen to this new guy. Langley said if we did it would help destabilize the country and allow a new regime to overthrow Kim Jong-il.

The other agents and I had certainly been expecting someone a lot different than Jack. Most of them laughed at his suit or joked about his makeup when he wasn't looking. Another agent named Slade Wilson, we called him Deathstroke because of how good he was at killing people, and I were the only two people who knew how bat shit insane Joker was. We always knew what he was capable of.

"How goes the telethon Ace? Any sizeable donations yet?"

I fucking hate when he sneaks up on me like that and cackles. He's so God damn quiet.

"What's wrong Ace? Did I startle you?"

"Oh…no Mr. J. I was…uh, I was just reminiscing. As far as recruiting, well that's proving more difficult than usual."

"And why is that?"

"I have to keep going younger and younger with our hires. The older, more experienced mercenaries won't come near us. People who work for you have a rather nasty of ending up dead within a month or two of their first job."

"Well what about you Ace? Can't you just tell them you and I have been together for…how many years is it now?"

"Ten. Ten long years Jack."

"Oh yes now I remember. Pyongyang in the summer. Poisoning Taedong River…leaking some nuclear material in the middle of the market district…blowing the Juche Tower to smithereens!"

Most of our team had died in Pyongyang. Those of us lucky enough to survive the bullets, explosions, and radioactive waste were black listed by the boys back in Langley. Everything about us was erased. Social security, birth certificates, dental records, any knowledge of us ever existing. Only Slade Wilson made it back to the states. The night of the Juche Tower demolition Joker told me about a job he had taken with some Chechen rebels. I was recently out of a job and Jack told me it paid well so we went west, to Moscow.

"Yeah those were good times I guess. I always preferred Moscow though. Hunting down ex-KGB agents. Those nerve gas attacks on the Moscow Metro."

I remember when I used to have this kind of code. No kids, women only when I absolutely had to, and never anything excessively painful. But being with the Joker changes you. When you see one man carve another man up into pieces as many times I have, you don't really notice when you become the one doing the carving. Maybe you've just lost your mind to Ace. Shit…you didn't used to talk to yourself in the past tense.

"That was indeed fun. Watching those Russkies run out of the Metro entrances screaming for help. '_Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! My face! Oh God my face is melting! Ahhhhhhh!' _It was hilarious."

Something about his laugh makes me laugh to, which is strange because his laugh makes most people's skin crawl.

"Well what about the thing I really want? Any luck with that?"

"A hacker? Yeah Mr. J I can get one. He's actually based here in Gotham. Judging from what I hear from my people this guy is pretty good to."

"Oh goody. Do tell Ace…what's his name?"

"All I have is a screen name…e-Nigma."

"Where can we find him?"

"You're going to get a kick out of this Jack. The kid goes to Brentwood Acedmy."

It's a deeply disturbing thing, looking the Joker in the face when he isn't smiling. Those eyes of his are staring right through you Ace. They're boring into your mind as if to say '_Remember Ace…I'm the one who makes all of the jokes around here.'_ But there's a smirk, a full blown laugh.

"Yeah, I suppose I do get a kick out of that. Contact Mr. e-Nigma and set up a meeting, then finish making your phone calls. I want to have ten or so men by the time we go to Brentwood, and make sure you get enough clown masks."

"Ten guys? What do we need ten guys for Mr. J?"

"Don't you worry Ace. It's all part of the plan. I'm going to work on some new material. I wouldn't want to disappoint the rich little kiddies."

It's never a good thing when Joker walks laughing to himself. Whatever he has planned…it is most certainly not a good thing for the children of Brentwood Academy.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own the Tremor Brothers.**

"So Ace man…what's he like?"

"Yeah Ace, does he really carve smiles people's faces?"

Jesus Christ Ace…what kind of idiots have you hired? They're three brothers so they're here at a serious discount, and the guy who recommended them said they were insane which is something Mr. J will appreciate, but they seem like total incompetents.

"Just put your masks on and shut up. We're here."

"These things are fucking wild. So where is he? Is he in here?"

"He's inside negotiating with the other guys who will be pulling the job with us."

"Others? Oh right, he wanted ten of us right? Right Darwin?"

"Yeah Jeeves. Ace already told us that. Hey Lester?"

"Yeah Darwin?"

"Do you hear screaming?"

Shit, shit, shit! I can't believe I didn't hear that. How did you let yourself get distracted by those fucking morons Ace. What is something happened to…

"Mr. J! Jack are you all right? Is that your blood?"

Judging by the laugh and the smile on his face I would guess it isn't.

"Well the other gentlemen and I couldn't agree on a price…so I…well I tried some more aggressive negotiating tactics…and as you can see Ace…well lets just say it didn't go as I planned."

"Holy shit! Look at all that blood Darwin."

"I see it you damn fool. Mr. Joker sir. I'm Darwin Tremor. These are my brother Jeeves and Lester. We are pleasured to make your acquaintance."

"The pleasure's mine, believe me. I've heard wonderful things about the three of you. But we will have time for pleasantries later. Ace…are we still on with our e-Nigma?"

"Of course we are Mr. J. Ten o'clock, underneath the elm tree in the courtyard at Brentwood Academy."

"And we have all of the supplies?"

"Of course, everything you asked for is in the van. What are we going to do with all that stuff?"

"How many times do I have to tell you Ace? It's all part of the plan."

I hate when people don't show up for meetings. Where the fuck is this e-Nigma guy? What kind of name is e-Nigma anyway? It sounds like a fucking riddle.

"Mr. J I don't think this guy is showing up. It's almost ten and the only person out here is that little girl."

"Hmmmm…she's pretty. Don't you think so Ace?"

"Yeah I guess Mr. J, but we should really get out of here. Classes will change soon and the last thing we need is for a bunch of rich kids to see you and the four of us in our clown masks."

"I'm going to go and talk to her."

What the hell is going on here? Since when is the Joker interested in women? All he ever wants is to see the world burn. Maybe the time in Arkham actually helped him? Then again…maybe not.

"Hello dear…do you know who I am?"

"You're the Joker right?"

"Clever girl. And oh so pretty."

It isn't often when a person refuses to flinch as the Joker moves towards them. This girl sure is something.

"My name is Edwina Nashton…but you can call me Eddie. You're Ace right? Mind telling me who the drooling imbeciles behind you are?"

"Wait…you're telling me that you are e-Nigma? You're the hacker I inquired about?"

"Yes. Were you expecting something different?"

"You can't be a hacker. I mean look at you for fuck's sake. You're a pretty little rich girl. You can't be…"

"And why can't she Ace? Would you prefer she spend all of her time in the kitchen? That's no way for a beautiful young woman to live."

She may not flinch when he touches her, but his laugh still makes her skin crawl.

"What exactly do you need my services for?"

"There's a bank on the north side of the city. Now sure there is plenty of money in the bank, but I've always seen money as the cherry on top of my sundae. What I really love to see is death, destruction, and mayhem. There's some information stored on a laptop in the vault of this bank. I need it."

"I don't do hands on work. It's risky. I do have an actual life you know."

This little bitch can't be serious. I've seen Jack kill men twice his size for saying less. She'll be lucky if he doesn't rip he throat right out.

"Well you see Eddie, now you know what I'm planning to do. I can't run the risk of you letting that slip in the lunch line, so I suggest you come to terms with the following. One, you will be coming to the bank with us. Two, you will get the information I need from the vault. And three, I'll kill you if anything goes wrong."

"You don't scare me clown. I'll help if you can answer a little riddle."

"Fine…make it quick."

Good. I love riddles. Here it is. When is a man a city?"

I've seen Mr. J this angry plenty of times, this is nothing new. There have been numerous occasions on which he's clenched his fists so tight his palms start to bleed. But never have I seen him just sit there and do nothing about it. What kind of information is on this laptop?

"That's not as hard as you would like it to be. A man is a city when he's Batman."

"Batman? Mr. J what the hell is a batman?"

Very good Mr. Joker. I'll do as you ask."

"Be at this address tonight. You'll have to get acquainted with everyone."

"Alright. You should leave. Classes change soon. It might be bad if people see you."

"Oh no, no, no my little riddler. Boys…put your faces on. We have a performance to make."


End file.
